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Pull my tongue down. Happy Monday. I hope you had a great weekend. I did. After I cleared up the misunderstanding with the park police. Damn. When did restroom custodians start working undercover? 

So it appears that the Mexican government is using video of homeless people and open-air drug users from Philadelphia in a national ad campaign to try to scare young people away from drugs. Take a look at this, if you will. 

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They don’t speak English? That’s right. A third-world country taking shots at a failed Democrat-run city. That’s no fair. That’s our job. Anyway, some felt this denigrated Philly’s image, which I don’t understand. What depicts brotherly love better than two guys sharing a dirty needle. Fact is, the only city worse off than Philly is Pompeii. And they had an excuse. Although it’s been a few thousand years. I mean, one volcano erupts and they call it a day, not even bothering to build it back up. Come on, Pompeii, grow a pair.

Anyway, people objected to the addicts and degenerates being filmed without their consent. That was another problem. And I’m not just talking about my live studio audience. Yeah, I was just checking if you’re awake. But these scenes were filmed in public unlike those videos Kilmeade shows me from the locker room at the YMCA. He’s got a shampoo bottle with a hole in it. It’s amazing.

But face it, it’s hard to give consent when your pants are down, on the sidewalk trying to dislodge that last rock of crack from your butt like it’s a gumball from the machine. Honestly, you want that guy to sign a waiver? You’ll need a pair of salad tongs to retrieve your pen. But obviously, Mexico is the big source of fentanyl that’s killed hundreds of thousands of Americans. It’s made overdose the number one cause of accidental death outside of being on the set of an Alec Baldwin Western.

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And so Mexico tells their people, “Do not be like our customers.” It’s like Ronald McDonald telling Ronald Junior to lay off the Big Macs or me saying, “Don’t watch this show. The sheer brilliance could destroy your mind.” But it is probably the best advice you can give. Don’t get high on your own supply. It’s the favorite advice of corner drug dealers and the hobby shop where I buy my glue. But it’s also saying, “Stay away from Philly.” Yeah, it’s sad. We have reached a point where we are now the travel hazard, not the other ******* countries.

[SKIT]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh, hello, folks. What can I do for you?

TRAVELER 1: We’re being spontaneous. Just kind of want to take a trip somewhere. Where’s the next flight out?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ah, well, let’s see what we have. It is very last minute. Looks like all I’ve got left is Philadelphia and Fallujah.

TRAVELER 1: You know? That is right down the middle for me.

TRAVELER 2: Same. Do you have a recommendation?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Well, they’re basically the same, frankly. Although, I hear Iraq is really nice this time of year.

TRAVELER 2: Okay, Fallujah, here we come.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: All right. Okay, here is your tickets, and here is your body armor all the way. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s for Philadelphia. 

TRAVELER 1: That makes sense. That makes sense.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Enjoy your flight.

Now, we can laugh at this. But who’s got a better policy? Mexico or us? In New York yesterday, a guy was arrested with 20,000 fentanyl pills, enough to kill more than a few people. Or give Hunter Biden a mild headache. The guy was charged with criminal possession, then released on his own recognizance. Released on his own recognizance. Like what do they think he’s going to do next? Return to his job in finance? Get back to his squash lessons? Released on his own recognizance. Yeah, I bet he’s now currently at an orphanage reading bedtime stories. Definitely not heading back to score more drug supply.

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But he’s not just a drug dealer. He’s a serial killer. But it’s on us for making him necessary. If we lived in a society that availed safer options, you wouldn’t have people dying from lethal stuff on the street. The problem with society, we made low-grade addiction incompatible with work being a working stiff. Unless of course it was alcohol or tobacco. Then it was booze and smoke yourself to death. It’s far from perfect, but still, Kat comes into work several times a week.

KAT TIMPF: How are you still laughing at that?

But we don’t do that with opiates. Instead, what do we do? We punish the legal patient and let the illegal stuff flow. And what does that sound like? Gun control. Targeting the law abiding and letting the lawbreakers go free. And you know how well that works.

In settings where substances are illegal, the casualties are mainly the young because they take the risks. 100 years ago, they boozed from a bathtub and sometimes they died. By the way, the same thing would happen if you drank from my bathtub today. I haven’t cleaned it since my first episode of “Red Eye.” Some sentimental value in there, Morgan. But the same thing happens with fentanyl. Did you ever wonder who’s dying? You know, I knew a few. None were homeless. All had jobs. That’s because our drug policy has made recreational drug use worse than Russian roulette. Maybe we should call it China roulette, since it’s yet another thing coming from the Red Dragon that is frying brains and destroying lives. But enough about Tik Tok.

But seriously, there is little, if any, data on who’s dying and that’s weird. It’s almost like they’re saying, “Who cares?” So when you see that video of the Philly zombies, how many do you think are still alive? Curiously, there’s also no data on COVID deaths in that cohort either. I mean, my God, what if homelessness is a healthier lifestyle than we think? You know, maybe pooping in broad daylight is a better source of vitamin D. Maybe I should start pooping outdoors. Haha, start.

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